first prayer into the void

are you there god? it's me, prozac princess

when i was thirteen i started to pray. not consciously; it was something that came over me, mixed with messages of teenage dreams of misdemeanors and lust and life. i wanted to Live, i wanted to Experience it, all. i never asked god if They were there, i knew He was; but i asked Her to be there with me. i knew what my purpose was, and i wrote it down in sharpie on a piece of paper tacked above my desk: “Remember: Art.”

when i was nineteen i thought god had forsaken me. it turns out i was just bipolar. when i was twenty-two i realized i hadn’t written in five years. what happened to the me that would bind construction paper covers with pink ribbon, fairies fluttering out of the pages i had taught myself to type? she was still there, of course; i just had to find her again. i reached out my hand and one day felt hers in mine.

it was soft, and warm.

~

i wrote this on february 28, 2024:

Hello hello out there

Ok so I literally just tried to write at the actual pace of my thoughts and I literally just broke Google Docs this is no joke. Ok so let me start again

I’m ngl that is so luciecore

Anyways

My plan was to write my thoughts. See already now that I’m recording them I’m second guessing them. Whyyyyyy

I don’t know but maybe one day I’ll figure it out in the meantime I’m just practicing

Because honestly I know I have greatness within me. It’s wayyyy down it was sunken dangerously below sea level for a minute there but my heart resuscitated it and it’s buoying closer and closer to the surface.

i’m at the surface, the waves have broken the shore; and i can breathe again.

i want to share my writing here, the stories behind the stories, the thread of thoughts that spin out of my mind, and anything else that i feel like.

i’d say i hope you enjoy, but i know you will…

xx

lucie (aka prozac princess)